Hospitality Hell
One thing that sets the Iranian culture apart from the American culture is their emphasis on hospitality. Iranians are schooled from childhood in the concept of 'tarof,' which is the equivalent of eating a meal that you don't like so that you don't hurt your host's feelings, but amplified ten times. You know what else? It's fucking annoying. One or two days, fine. Three weeks? Fuck you all.
I was trying to be nice
I once had the following conversation with my sister-in-law during my one and only trip to their house (during this visit):
Lisa: [admiring the automatic tea maker] This is really good!
SIL: [picks it up and shoves it towards me] Here, it's yours!
Lisa: Oh! No, I really don't need one, I just think it's nice.
SIL: Take it! We can get another one! [unplugs appliance]
Lisa: No, really, it's your tea maker.
SIL: We can get another one!
Lisa's Brain: How do I get out of this?
Lisa: The plug is different! I can't use it at home. Thank you, though.
SIL: Oh, of course!
The tea and fruit mafia
When guests come over to the house, it is customary to offer them hot tea as well as fresh fruit and vegetables. What usually happens is that guests come over, and then one person goes to make the tea, while another person passes out small china plates and paring knives, and then brings around the fruit bowl. Unfortunately (for me), I do not like hot tea. I only drink it once in a while. I like fruit OK, but I have to be in the mood for it. This does not go over well. Everyone loves tea and fruit here!
Person 1: [starts passing around small plates and knives]
Lisa's Brain: Fuck. Here we go again.
Person 1: [brings fruit bowl] Have some fruit.
Lisa: No, thank you. I'm not hungry right now.
Person 1: [stares]
Lisa: Really, I'm not hungry.
Person 2: She's not hungry.
Person 1: [puts banana on my plate]
Lisa's Brain: What does 'not hungry' mean to you anyway?
Lisa: Thanks.
Person 3: [comes into room with a tray of hot tea, offers me some]
Lisa: No thanks, I don't like tea.
Person 3: Have some tea.
Lisa: No I really don't want any tea.
Person 3: I have some tea for you. Here. [sets tea down next to me]
Lisa: Sigh.
Time passes as everyone gets their tea and fruit.
Person 4: You're not eating your banana.
Lisa: I really didn't want any food. I'm not hungry.
Person 5: You should eat fruit. Here, have an orange. [starts to put orange on my plate]
Lisa: No, thank you. I'm not hungry. Look, I'm putting the banana back in the fruit bowl. Not hungry. See?
Person 5: [looks upset]
Person 4: Your tea is getting cold. Drink it!
Lisa: I really don't like hot tea. I like it better cold.
Person 4: No, this tea is cold. I'll get you some hot tea.
Lisa: NO! I mean, no thanks, I prefer cold tea.
Person 4: [takes my tea glass to get hot tea]
Person 6: [enters room] Why didn't anyone give Lisa some tea and fruit?
Lisa's Brain: Just shoot me now.
Right now you're probably thinking that this is not such a big deal, and that I am a major bitch. I am a major bitch, but this scenario also takes place a minimum of three times a day. Every day. For three weeks. I DON'T WANT ANY GODDAMN TEA, OK?
Useless gifts for everyone!
Whenever we come here, the family insists that I buy gifts for all of my family back home. They also insist on paying for the gifts. I have a lot of trouble spending other people's money. I really don't like to do it, but they insist, nay, demand, that we buy these gifts. The actual shopping sucks. Woe betide me if I see something that I just want to look at, because they will buy it. Or at least they'll try to buy it, while the whole time I'm telling them that I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT IT.
Lisa: [looking for a picture for my Dad's office, not finding it, spying a briefcase that I think he might like]
Lisa: How much is that briefcase?
Nephew 1: It's expensive!
Lisa: OK, then never mind.
Nephew 2: That's a bad briefcase anyway. I know where to find the best briefcases!
Lisa: No, I just wanted to know how much it was. I really want a picture for my Dad's office.
Nephew 1: We can get the briefcase.
Lisa: I really want the picture.
Nephew 2: We can look for another briefcase.
Lisa: PICTURE. Let's focus on the picture. I'm sorry I said anything about the briefcase.
We finally get going and find the picture I wanted, and buy it (actually I wanted one picture, but we ended up with two, because the one I wanted "wasn't good"). Later, after we get home I hear them talking about the briefcase. Then my brother-in-law bounds into the kitchen with a briefcase.
BIL: Look! A briefcase for your father.
Lisa: I didn't want a freaking briefcase, OK? I just wanted to look at it.
BIL: [models how to use the briefcase, slinging it over his shoulder, opening and closing it]
Lisa's Brain: Holy Hell.
Lisa: We have two pictures for my dad. He doesn't really need a briefcase.
BIL: It's perfect!
Lisa: NO BRIEFCASE.
Aren't you tired? You're tired, aren't you? Don't you want to sleep?
The family is very concerned because they don't think that I get enough rest. They always want me to lie down and take a nap, especially if I've just put the baby down for a nap. One time we had gone to my husband's sister's house for a visit, and my husband's brother's wife was concerned because she thought I was sleepy.
SIL: Don't you want to sleep?
Lisa: No, I'm not tired, but thank you.
SIL: Are you sure? You look tired. You should sleep.
Lisa: If I sleep now, I won't be able to sleep later. I'm fine, really.
SIL: [stares] You look really tired. [stares]
Lisa: I'm fine.
10 minutes later
SIL: Don't you want to sleep?
Lisa: I'm not tired.
5 minutes later
SIL: I have a nice pillow here. I could put it over there for you.
Lisa: [annoyed] I'm not tired, OK. Not. Tired.
10 minutes later
SIL: I made up a bed for you. Look! Now you can sleep.
Lisa: I. Am. Not. Tired.
30 minutes later, SIL is lying down in the other room, and the Moosh throws his ball in there
Lisa: [enters room to retrieve ball]
SIL: Why don't you lie down here. Right here. It's very comfortable.
Lisa: [opens mouth to protest]
SIL's 2 Sons: She's not tired! Leave her alone.
Lisa's Brain: Thanks, guys.
Is this not overkill?
Culture shock
I simply fail to see the logic in a system of hospitality that gets so far out of hand that it actually makes guests uncomfortable. It is clearly a difference in culture. In America, when you are a guest in someone's house, you try your best not to make too many demands on your hosts. You eat what they eat, drink what they drink. Occasionally, they may do something special for you to emphasize your guest status.
This is not the case here. In Iran the host will do anything for his guest. If you want Coke, and they don't have it, they will send someone to get it, even if it is 2:00 AM. If you drop in to visit someone, you can expect to be fed. There is value in this system, but I think it is short-lived.
It is a big strain on me to have people at my beck and call. I am an independent person, and I'm used to doing everything for myself. Three weeks of bowing and scraping, and not being able to do anything for myself, is very difficult. I am ready to go home.
I was trying to be nice
I once had the following conversation with my sister-in-law during my one and only trip to their house (during this visit):
Lisa: [admiring the automatic tea maker] This is really good!
SIL: [picks it up and shoves it towards me] Here, it's yours!
Lisa: Oh! No, I really don't need one, I just think it's nice.
SIL: Take it! We can get another one! [unplugs appliance]
Lisa: No, really, it's your tea maker.
SIL: We can get another one!
Lisa's Brain: How do I get out of this?
Lisa: The plug is different! I can't use it at home. Thank you, though.
SIL: Oh, of course!
The tea and fruit mafia
When guests come over to the house, it is customary to offer them hot tea as well as fresh fruit and vegetables. What usually happens is that guests come over, and then one person goes to make the tea, while another person passes out small china plates and paring knives, and then brings around the fruit bowl. Unfortunately (for me), I do not like hot tea. I only drink it once in a while. I like fruit OK, but I have to be in the mood for it. This does not go over well. Everyone loves tea and fruit here!
Person 1: [starts passing around small plates and knives]
Lisa's Brain: Fuck. Here we go again.
Person 1: [brings fruit bowl] Have some fruit.
Lisa: No, thank you. I'm not hungry right now.
Person 1: [stares]
Lisa: Really, I'm not hungry.
Person 2: She's not hungry.
Person 1: [puts banana on my plate]
Lisa's Brain: What does 'not hungry' mean to you anyway?
Lisa: Thanks.
Person 3: [comes into room with a tray of hot tea, offers me some]
Lisa: No thanks, I don't like tea.
Person 3: Have some tea.
Lisa: No I really don't want any tea.
Person 3: I have some tea for you. Here. [sets tea down next to me]
Lisa: Sigh.
Time passes as everyone gets their tea and fruit.
Person 4: You're not eating your banana.
Lisa: I really didn't want any food. I'm not hungry.
Person 5: You should eat fruit. Here, have an orange. [starts to put orange on my plate]
Lisa: No, thank you. I'm not hungry. Look, I'm putting the banana back in the fruit bowl. Not hungry. See?
Person 5: [looks upset]
Person 4: Your tea is getting cold. Drink it!
Lisa: I really don't like hot tea. I like it better cold.
Person 4: No, this tea is cold. I'll get you some hot tea.
Lisa: NO! I mean, no thanks, I prefer cold tea.
Person 4: [takes my tea glass to get hot tea]
Person 6: [enters room] Why didn't anyone give Lisa some tea and fruit?
Lisa's Brain: Just shoot me now.
Right now you're probably thinking that this is not such a big deal, and that I am a major bitch. I am a major bitch, but this scenario also takes place a minimum of three times a day. Every day. For three weeks. I DON'T WANT ANY GODDAMN TEA, OK?
Useless gifts for everyone!
Whenever we come here, the family insists that I buy gifts for all of my family back home. They also insist on paying for the gifts. I have a lot of trouble spending other people's money. I really don't like to do it, but they insist, nay, demand, that we buy these gifts. The actual shopping sucks. Woe betide me if I see something that I just want to look at, because they will buy it. Or at least they'll try to buy it, while the whole time I'm telling them that I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT IT.
Lisa: [looking for a picture for my Dad's office, not finding it, spying a briefcase that I think he might like]
Lisa: How much is that briefcase?
Nephew 1: It's expensive!
Lisa: OK, then never mind.
Nephew 2: That's a bad briefcase anyway. I know where to find the best briefcases!
Lisa: No, I just wanted to know how much it was. I really want a picture for my Dad's office.
Nephew 1: We can get the briefcase.
Lisa: I really want the picture.
Nephew 2: We can look for another briefcase.
Lisa: PICTURE. Let's focus on the picture. I'm sorry I said anything about the briefcase.
We finally get going and find the picture I wanted, and buy it (actually I wanted one picture, but we ended up with two, because the one I wanted "wasn't good"). Later, after we get home I hear them talking about the briefcase. Then my brother-in-law bounds into the kitchen with a briefcase.
BIL: Look! A briefcase for your father.
Lisa: I didn't want a freaking briefcase, OK? I just wanted to look at it.
BIL: [models how to use the briefcase, slinging it over his shoulder, opening and closing it]
Lisa's Brain: Holy Hell.
Lisa: We have two pictures for my dad. He doesn't really need a briefcase.
BIL: It's perfect!
Lisa: NO BRIEFCASE.
Aren't you tired? You're tired, aren't you? Don't you want to sleep?
The family is very concerned because they don't think that I get enough rest. They always want me to lie down and take a nap, especially if I've just put the baby down for a nap. One time we had gone to my husband's sister's house for a visit, and my husband's brother's wife was concerned because she thought I was sleepy.
SIL: Don't you want to sleep?
Lisa: No, I'm not tired, but thank you.
SIL: Are you sure? You look tired. You should sleep.
Lisa: If I sleep now, I won't be able to sleep later. I'm fine, really.
SIL: [stares] You look really tired. [stares]
Lisa: I'm fine.
10 minutes later
SIL: Don't you want to sleep?
Lisa: I'm not tired.
5 minutes later
SIL: I have a nice pillow here. I could put it over there for you.
Lisa: [annoyed] I'm not tired, OK. Not. Tired.
10 minutes later
SIL: I made up a bed for you. Look! Now you can sleep.
Lisa: I. Am. Not. Tired.
30 minutes later, SIL is lying down in the other room, and the Moosh throws his ball in there
Lisa: [enters room to retrieve ball]
SIL: Why don't you lie down here. Right here. It's very comfortable.
Lisa: [opens mouth to protest]
SIL's 2 Sons: She's not tired! Leave her alone.
Lisa's Brain: Thanks, guys.
Is this not overkill?
Culture shock
I simply fail to see the logic in a system of hospitality that gets so far out of hand that it actually makes guests uncomfortable. It is clearly a difference in culture. In America, when you are a guest in someone's house, you try your best not to make too many demands on your hosts. You eat what they eat, drink what they drink. Occasionally, they may do something special for you to emphasize your guest status.
This is not the case here. In Iran the host will do anything for his guest. If you want Coke, and they don't have it, they will send someone to get it, even if it is 2:00 AM. If you drop in to visit someone, you can expect to be fed. There is value in this system, but I think it is short-lived.
It is a big strain on me to have people at my beck and call. I am an independent person, and I'm used to doing everything for myself. Three weeks of bowing and scraping, and not being able to do anything for myself, is very difficult. I am ready to go home.
posted by Lisa C. @ 12:10:00 PM
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